I feel as though I have spent the last 4 years wandering… Just when I think I have caught a glimpse of myself, it disappears as quickly as it appeared. I wouldn’t say that the time has been wasted though because as painful as it has been, I truly believe we have to be lost sometimes to truly understand ourselves. Understand ourselves?? What is our purpose in life? Purpose can be defined as the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. Our purpose is not our jobs… Although sometimes our jobs provide a vehicle for us to fulfill our purposes that have been placed on our lives.
Before my Daddy got sick, I was not that focused on what my purpose was. I was so busy with just trying to get ahead to be perfectly honest. I have always been drawn to areas that involved helping and serving others. That is all I have ever wanted to do from the time I was a little girl. From wanting to be a math teacher, to wanting to be an engineer, to a doctor… the common goal was always to help others.
I can look back now and realize that my purpose has always been to help people. Earlier I couldn’t realize that about myself. You see, when you find yourself feeling lost in the woods with no way out like I felt when my Daddy died, it will slow you down.. For me it brought me to a complete and sudden stop. What is my purpose now? I had spent 3 ½ years with my purpose being helping my Daddy. I think I was a little confused on purpose. I think that helping care for my Daddy at the time was the vehicle to fulfill my purpose in life, but obviously just like we purchase new vehicles from time to time, our vehicles to carry out our purpose changes. I started questioning what my purpose was in life. I think that was the wrong question I should have been asking myself. The correct question should have been: “what is the vehicle for me to fulfill my purpose of helping and serving others now?”
My purpose in life had not changed. I don’t know that it will ever change. It seems so simple now but trust me, it has taken hours and hours of soul searching. I have had to go internally and examine myself. Why am I the way I am? Why do I feel the way I feel? What caused this? How do I change these feelings? Are they rational or irrational? How do I overcome this? How can I use these feelings to positively impact my life?
The clarity and the soul searching really began probably six or so months ago when I took the Myers-Briggs Personality test and got a clear understanding of my personality. I am an introvert. I have been an introvert my whole life. This explained a lot of the characteristics of my personality to me, and it let me understand that some of the things that I had perceived as a flaw over the years were not a flaw. They were just simply from the way my brain was wired. Me being me, if I can put some science to why things are the way they are, then I have a whole lot easier time accepting them for what they are. Thus, accepting me for me. I think you are on a good path to anything in life when you learn to accept you for you.
So, here I am at 41, taking a deep look at my life trying to figure out what is the next vehicle in life for me to fulfill this thing called purpose in life. Have I figured it out yet? No… I feel like I am getting closer everyday. That is all I can ask of myself. I try to be a better version of me today than I was yesterday. I never want to reach the end of my life and know that I have not lived a purpose driven life. I want to make an impact on this world. I want to make a difference. Today, I just want to find my way out of the woods!